Voyage of the Phallus Maximus
The shadowy, hellgun-toting first mate
First Mate of the Phallus Maximus.
Formerly a junior officer in the Battlefleet Calixis.
He is also terrified of Gretchens, after an incident he refers to only as “The Gretchening.” He insists that nobody truly “knows” about Gretchens other than himself.
Born into a mid-hive family on one of the innumerable hiveworlds in Imperial space, Ramirez’s early life was typical of his rank and station. Yet things quickly took a turn for the worst as fate ceased to smile on the Veche line. Financial difficulties forced the Veche family into the lower hives where soon all semblance of a standard family unit was lost. Ramirez grew up with only the vaguest memory of what “normal” was, and made his way among the vagrants of the underworld through crimes ranging from petty theft to premeditated assassinations. Ramirez built something of a reputation as being “uncatchable,” as he had never once run afoul of the authorities, limited as their presence was. Before long Ramirez found himself in a comfortable position, his exploits having won him a measure of cash and respect that allowed him to live well, even in the lawless bowels of the earth. However, everybody makes mistakes, and after such a successful rebound from his family’s fall from grace, the mistake Ramirez made was appropriately catastrophic as to rob even that from him.
Ramirez botched an important drug deal, resulting in the deaths of most of the men working under him and a permanent enmity between the organization he worked for and a similar organization with whom the deal was to be made. The crime boss held him solely accountable and placed a price on his head, a price many were eager to claim. Ramirez was forced to flee the world he had known all his life, and he did so in a way he previously had considered unconscionable, he joined the Imperial Navy. Always eager to have more men at their disposal, the Imperial forces were happy to have Ramirez, and the distinction as a Navy recruit rendered him more or less untouchable by his underworld enemies in the short time between signing up and being shipped offworld for training.
Ramirez spent his time in the Navy in much the same way he had in the lower hives, jockeying for influence. Minor things, such as providing small favors or covering for misbehaving men were bartered into longstanding connections, threats, and sometimes outright blackmail. His eagerness to please all around him advanced him several ranks, but Ramirez’s rising star was abruptly shot down by the events of his first campaign. Thrust against a mutant uprising on a world in the rim of Imperial Space, he found his commanding officers incompetent, eager for glory, and vastly overconfident and underequipped. The mismanagement of the campaign killed many of those who he had spent time building connections and friendships with, and left Ramirez himself a bitter, paranoid, and broken wreck. Frustrated, Ramirez left the Navy upon the campaign’s conclusion, something the brass eagerly allowed, quickly trying to erase any sign of how much of a disaster it had been.
Ramirez came to realize that money was the only universal constant, the only bulwark against the continuous misfortunes that fate seemed to throw his way. Money bought wine, women, and drugs that made it easy to forget the losses and the failures that permeated his life. What he needed was a way to make limitless amounts of money, enough money to protect him from what may come, and he saw that in an overconfident and audacious rogue trader named Kenn Rinn and his atrociously named starship. Down on his luck and desperate to restore his family name, Rinn needed crewmembers for his ship willing to risk their lives in the Koronus expanse for wealth and glory, and “wealth” was all Ramirez needed to hear. He signed up with Rinn, and despite his aversion for the ships criminally incompetent head astropath (which Ramirez considers the next disaster cruel fate has thrown at him), Ramirez is committed to the success of their mission and to the acquisition of great wealth. The fact that he gets to kill people along the way is just a bit of a bonus.