Voyage of the Phallus Maximus

Captain's Log, Entry 4


Well, we’ve had ourselves a productive few days.

After carefully monitoring some makeshift repairs on the Phallus Maximus, we decided that Whisper was a good first step to take in reestablishing Rinn Dynasty control over this system. According to the little tourist pamphlet Speakerguy gave us, there was something about a crazy perfectionist priest, blah blah blah, statues of the Emperor.

So we land and there are seriously tons of these statues around. And, of course, as creepy statues are wont to do, some of them started moving and attacked us. So we fight our way into the main tower place, which is littered with monk corpses. We shoot some of them in the face to make sure they don’t get up too, because we are thorough like that. We get to the library part and look up whatever stuff we came there to look up, but the oldest books are on the top floor, so we need to go up there.

Well, there’s this giant-ass statue of the Emperor up top, and we’re all a bit too savvy to just walk up to it, so we fan out and take aim at the thing. And then, well…

Officer Nubek…

Emperor’s Ever-Burning Testicles that man can go from bumbling simpleton to death-dealing murdergunner with the Emperor’s own luck at a whim.

Before any of us could even so much as fire a shot, Nubek unloads his clip at this giant possessed statue and hits every single one of its faults. The thing crumbles to death in one hail of gunfire.

Anyway, so we find this book we’re looking for and apparently Grandpa Archie had more balls than I gave him credit for. Back when he conquered this place, he found some xeno and/or chaosthing and decided to stash it in the planet’s core until he could sell it later. If I wasn’t working so hard to rebuild the dynasty he helped drive into the dirt, I’d almost be proud of him.

Next item on the agenda was the liberation of Cog’s roving manufactorum. We went and borrowed some guncutters from the local Navy ship and split up into teams for the grand assault. I organized the distraction team of Guncutters to draw away the blockade so the troopships could land. First Officer Veche, Officer Nubek, and Chief-Astropath Zaogao bombarded the creepypeople that were milling about on the outside of the manufactorum, and Sister Libertina led the boarding forces to chase them belowdecks where the autoturrets made short work of them.

It was an excellent plan and I’m glad I came up with it (probably, I forget).

So now, we marshall our forces and prepare for an action-packed assault on the mining platform.


Kenn Rinn, Captain of the Phallus Maximus



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