Voyage of the Phallus Maximus

Captain's Log, Entry 3


Woke up this morning from the kind of party I imagine the Eldar used to throw. Y’know, the kind where you’re glad you blacked out and can’t remember what you did?

Anyway, some gofer was harping at me about some RSVPs, so I said yeah, whatever and shooed him off, in search of some Recaf.

Well apparently those were agreements to meet and work with two rival criminal factions. But, these kinds of things happen, y’know?

So we go and meet the ruthless up-and-comer criminal gang and they tell us that apparently back in the day, Grandpa Archie actually conquered something and that there’s a system with the Rinn dynasty’s name on it for my claiming, but there was an Imperial Navy ship squatting in the area. Also they wanted exclusive xenotech trading rights to the system or something. Whatever.

Next on the day’s schedule was meeting with the other guys. The established-and-classy type criminal gang. They just so happened to also tell me about this system (did I miss some memo that went around or what?). They wanted us to go find one of their guys on the inside there who went AWOL. We mentioned we might look for him.

So all that talk about planets I already own got me curious about this system (which apparently ISN’T named after me yet; will have to fix that as soon as possible), so we went there to check the place out. It was a little off the beaten path, so I was expecting the usual amount of warp-wackiness, but of course when we get there, the ship goes haywire, to the point where swift kick to the console doesn’t fix it and the warp drive explodes. I mean, as far as places in the cosmos to be stranded go, a system with civilization is one of the best options, but having your ship spontaneously explode is bad for morale, y’know?

Anyway, so we find this Navy ship that’s occupying MY system. Some chick picks up the vox and mentions that her commander went to the surface and hasn’t come back.

Anyway, we putter over to the nearest moon of some gas giant planet that is in the millenia-long process of passing all its gas. We’re greeted by some speaker guy, who I guess is the leader of these backwoods ice-yahoos. He tells us about how people are randomly turning crazy on his world for no reason and whines about an assortment of all his problems and we pretend to listen.

Oh, and there was that AWOL guy there who was, unbeknownst to the classy criminals, actually an inquisitor. He told us something about how his brother, the navy commander who had gone missing (it’s a small universe after all, isn’t it?), went to one of the other moons to investigate things that were being exploded for no reason (the crazies were exploding things for no reason by the way).

Suddenly, dinner is interrupted by Crazies. Crazies everywhere. Like a true Rogue Trader, I was instantly concerned with the well being of my property and me and the senior officers raced to the lander to make sure it was okay.

We got off that stupid planet only to find giant, hostile space crystals blocking the path of our weaponless lander. They tried to kill us with explosions and lasers, but all that practice with loop-de-loops and barrel rolls I did on planet entry paid off (who’s complaining about my piloting skills now, huh?!). So we get back to the Phallus Maximus and proceed to use our own lasers and explosions on the space crystals, finishing the battle with a lance shot that I, myself lined up with what I’m told in ancient times was referred to as a “Tokyo Drift”.

I’d like to sugar coat this narration further, but the ship took quite a beating, and I hope we don’t have to deal with any more of those asshole space crystals until after we can get properly repaired.

Kenn Rinn, Captain of the Phallus Maximus


  • None this week, for obvious reasons.
  • If you’re willing to risk Whisperer sabatoge, you can try to have some of the Svard dockworkers repair your ship.
  • If you need anything with an availability of common or greater, Speaker Tal will try his best to give it to you if possible. No guarantees though, supplies are tight on Svard.



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