Voyage of the Phallus Maximus

Captain's Log, Entry 4


Well, we’ve had ourselves a productive few days.

After carefully monitoring some makeshift repairs on the Phallus Maximus, we decided that Whisper was a good first step to take in reestablishing Rinn Dynasty control over this system. According to the little tourist pamphlet Speakerguy gave us, there was something about a crazy perfectionist priest, blah blah blah, statues of the Emperor.

So we land and there are seriously tons of these statues around. And, of course, as creepy statues are wont to do, some of them started moving and attacked us. So we fight our way into the main tower place, which is littered with monk corpses. We shoot some of them in the face to make sure they don’t get up too, because we are thorough like that. We get to the library part and look up whatever stuff we came there to look up, but the oldest books are on the top floor, so we need to go up there.

Well, there’s this giant-ass statue of the Emperor up top, and we’re all a bit too savvy to just walk up to it, so we fan out and take aim at the thing. And then, well…

Officer Nubek…

Emperor’s Ever-Burning Testicles that man can go from bumbling simpleton to death-dealing murdergunner with the Emperor’s own luck at a whim.

Before any of us could even so much as fire a shot, Nubek unloads his clip at this giant possessed statue and hits every single one of its faults. The thing crumbles to death in one hail of gunfire.

Anyway, so we find this book we’re looking for and apparently Grandpa Archie had more balls than I gave him credit for. Back when he conquered this place, he found some xeno and/or chaosthing and decided to stash it in the planet’s core until he could sell it later. If I wasn’t working so hard to rebuild the dynasty he helped drive into the dirt, I’d almost be proud of him.

Next item on the agenda was the liberation of Cog’s roving manufactorum. We went and borrowed some guncutters from the local Navy ship and split up into teams for the grand assault. I organized the distraction team of Guncutters to draw away the blockade so the troopships could land. First Officer Veche, Officer Nubek, and Chief-Astropath Zaogao bombarded the creepypeople that were milling about on the outside of the manufactorum, and Sister Libertina led the boarding forces to chase them belowdecks where the autoturrets made short work of them.

It was an excellent plan and I’m glad I came up with it (probably, I forget).

So now, we marshall our forces and prepare for an action-packed assault on the mining platform.


Kenn Rinn, Captain of the Phallus Maximus

Captain's Log, Entry 3


Woke up this morning from the kind of party I imagine the Eldar used to throw. Y’know, the kind where you’re glad you blacked out and can’t remember what you did?

Anyway, some gofer was harping at me about some RSVPs, so I said yeah, whatever and shooed him off, in search of some Recaf.

Well apparently those were agreements to meet and work with two rival criminal factions. But, these kinds of things happen, y’know?

So we go and meet the ruthless up-and-comer criminal gang and they tell us that apparently back in the day, Grandpa Archie actually conquered something and that there’s a system with the Rinn dynasty’s name on it for my claiming, but there was an Imperial Navy ship squatting in the area. Also they wanted exclusive xenotech trading rights to the system or something. Whatever.

Next on the day’s schedule was meeting with the other guys. The established-and-classy type criminal gang. They just so happened to also tell me about this system (did I miss some memo that went around or what?). They wanted us to go find one of their guys on the inside there who went AWOL. We mentioned we might look for him.

So all that talk about planets I already own got me curious about this system (which apparently ISN’T named after me yet; will have to fix that as soon as possible), so we went there to check the place out. It was a little off the beaten path, so I was expecting the usual amount of warp-wackiness, but of course when we get there, the ship goes haywire, to the point where swift kick to the console doesn’t fix it and the warp drive explodes. I mean, as far as places in the cosmos to be stranded go, a system with civilization is one of the best options, but having your ship spontaneously explode is bad for morale, y’know?

Anyway, so we find this Navy ship that’s occupying MY system. Some chick picks up the vox and mentions that her commander went to the surface and hasn’t come back.

Anyway, we putter over to the nearest moon of some gas giant planet that is in the millenia-long process of passing all its gas. We’re greeted by some speaker guy, who I guess is the leader of these backwoods ice-yahoos. He tells us about how people are randomly turning crazy on his world for no reason and whines about an assortment of all his problems and we pretend to listen.

Oh, and there was that AWOL guy there who was, unbeknownst to the classy criminals, actually an inquisitor. He told us something about how his brother, the navy commander who had gone missing (it’s a small universe after all, isn’t it?), went to one of the other moons to investigate things that were being exploded for no reason (the crazies were exploding things for no reason by the way).

Suddenly, dinner is interrupted by Crazies. Crazies everywhere. Like a true Rogue Trader, I was instantly concerned with the well being of my property and me and the senior officers raced to the lander to make sure it was okay.

We got off that stupid planet only to find giant, hostile space crystals blocking the path of our weaponless lander. They tried to kill us with explosions and lasers, but all that practice with loop-de-loops and barrel rolls I did on planet entry paid off (who’s complaining about my piloting skills now, huh?!). So we get back to the Phallus Maximus and proceed to use our own lasers and explosions on the space crystals, finishing the battle with a lance shot that I, myself lined up with what I’m told in ancient times was referred to as a “Tokyo Drift”.

I’d like to sugar coat this narration further, but the ship took quite a beating, and I hope we don’t have to deal with any more of those asshole space crystals until after we can get properly repaired.

Kenn Rinn, Captain of the Phallus Maximus


  • None this week, for obvious reasons.
  • If you’re willing to risk Whisperer sabatoge, you can try to have some of the Svard dockworkers repair your ship.
  • If you need anything with an availability of common or greater, Speaker Tal will try his best to give it to you if possible. No guarantees though, supplies are tight on Svard.
Captain's Log, Entry 2


Glorious, glorious success. Glorious, glorious loot.

But I mustn’t get ahead of myself.

The string of good fortune began when we locked the psykers up in the ship and went off on a pre-gold-filled-ship-looting shopping trip. All Ramirez wanted was an auspex scanner, but he pissed off the guy running the junk stall or something, I don’t know. What I do know is that I (using my keen marketplace senses) was able to find a guy who could install a power field on grandpappy’s old decorative sword. Not only will it serve as my little addition to the family weapon set, but it will let me slice shit in two with lasers. And that’s always a plus.

So after that little bit of excitement, we noticed one of the Redguard was missing. Normally, I’d say leave him and that he was probably a useless wanker in the first place, but Ramirez was convinced (as usual) that something was amok. We ended up tracking the guy to some slaver place that he got his ass kidnapped by, smooth-talked our way in, and found our errant guard. With a new hole in the back of his skull thanks to that Fel guy’s inbred sister-wife or whatever she was. We got the drop on her and Officer Nubek made up for his little episode in the Court of the Dead by de-braining what’s-her-name with a certain “brains and skull and giblets all over the walls” style. Also I jury rigged one of my laspistol cartridges into an energy grenade to take out a turret (by throwing it at the turret). I’m still rather proud of myself for that. So anyway we blamed what’s-her-name’s death on the guy with a hole in his brain and got ourselves out of there.

We made our way to the system where the gold was, only to find that it wasn’t just floating out in the middle of nowhere with some sort of giant, golden exclamation mark over it. So we poked around the planets. First planet was some Emperor-forsaken rock with nothing on it but a single wrecked transport. Had some info about some xenothing on the next planet.

So we head over there and the officers apparently don’t appreciate my creative landing style. Whatever. They’re just jealous because they know they can’t make an Arvus Lighter skip that many times across the ground. So, on our way to the xenothing, we find some greenskins. Ramirez was supposed to sneak over to a nearby turret and shoot them with it, but he managed to step on what I imagine was the only dry twig on the entirety of the planet.

So we’re fighting the greenskins, and it starts off well. Sister Death Pyro managed to set most of the orks on poison fire (which I guess is a thing now?). Then, however, the gretchens came out and started shooting, and let’s just say Ramirez won’t be recovering from his mental anguish any time soon.

Anywho, we get to the xenothing and it’s all weird and xenoey. Officer NubekkenIcanneverrememberallofhisfirstname sticks his head in a hole and apparently got hit with brain lasers or something so he knew where the treasure ship was. Libertina also stuck her head in the brainlaser hole. Just because, I guess. Maybe she just likes sticking her head in places. Dunno.

So we make it to the ship and there’s a big hole in it, but we can’t see any gold. Just as we’re about to poke around the ship, who do we see putting into the system but that Fel joker. We hide in the asteroid belt and watch him go into orbit on the planet with the xenothing. And that’s when the Phallus Maximus struck. We caught those fools with their pants down. Fel himself was planetside as we pulled up to his ship and opened vox communications. Threatened his seneschal for a bit before we just decided to start shooting anyway.

The resulting battle…well…

The Phallus Maximus fired its lance right up the thrusters of Fel’s ship.

Oh yes.

Oh yes.

No more needs to be said.

We boarded the ship amongst the evacuating crew, stole that punk’s banner and all his loot, then went back to our ship and blew the remainder of that ship straight into the warp.

Free to loot the treasure-ship at our leisure now, we took a quick detour to the bridge and saw the remains of the former captain. I shot him for being stupid and ugly and some gold pillbug thing fell out of his eye.

Anyway, long story short, we found a gloriously massive pile of gold in the back of the ship.

Truly, it was a sight to behold. I nearly wept at the majesty of those golden mountains.

And that brings us to the present, where we are now in the month-long process of simultaneously shipping a Grand Cruiser’s worth of gold back to civilization and partying.

At long last, it seems the Rinn dynasty’s fortunes are reversing.

Kenn Rinn, Captain of the Phallus Maximus

Note to self: Find more excuses to keep the psykers locked up in their rooms on the ship to continue the whole “glorious success” thing as long as possible.

This Week’s Acquisitions

As a result of your actions, your dynasty’s status has been updated.

Captain's Log, Entry 1


I’m starting to wonder if having psykers around is even worth it.

So, there we were. Got a hot tip on a box with a recording of where there’s a wrecked ship just floating around, filled with gold. Nice, yeah? So our plan was to get the guy with the box drunk and then take it out from under him. Simple plan, what could go wrong? Well, we’re about to make our dramatic exit in the chaos of a barfight we were attempting to secretly start and Mr. “I’ll throw a chair with my mind!” belches out some warp-hail in the middle of a crowded bar.

The results were not excellent.

In addition, some thugs from some other rogue trader were angry at us for getting to the box first and they start shooting. First Officer Veche and Ms. Spider-queen do what I pay them to do, but Ordinance Officer Nubs unloads a hail of gunfire into the crowd and manages to hit everyone except his targets, then runs off in tears.

And that psyker…

He goes to crush someone’s leg with his mind and manages to launch himself up about ten feet in the air. Knocks the wind out of himself upon re-introduction to the floor and I have to drag his ass out of there before he gets killed.

So after some further complications that involve a couple of us not showing our faces at the Court of the Dead for a good long while, we get the box open and figure out where the beacon in it is pointing to and go off on our merry way to our first stop: Footfall.

Along the way, we find a suitable vent for our frustration in the form of shooting a chaos raider ship until it gets set on fire and drifts into an asteroid belt. We also picked up some hitchikers and took the loot from their dilapidated ship as payment for their passage. Right now we’re stopped at Footfall to drop our passengers off, but as soon as we’re all ready to go, it’s off to find a space boat full of gold.

Here’s hoping that psyker doesn’t get us all killed before then.

Kenn Rinn, Captain of the Phallus Maximus

P.S.: Offer that bounty hunter a permanent position on the crew. At least that way we’ll have someone to save our asses when everyone decides to be incompetent at the same time.

This Week’s Acquisitions

Captain's Log, Entry 0


Well, today the official transfer of the Warrant of Trade was made from my father (Emperor rest his mindlessly gibbering soul) to me.

A handful of the higher ups in the crew questioned my ability to take over my father’s many established trade routes. They needn’t have worried though, because I auctioned off the rights to those things weeks ago to afford those excellent new toys installed belowdecks. Who wants to putt about in Imperial space…trading with people? How boring. Waste of a Warrant if you ask me.

No, under my leadership, this dynasty will take a new turn. My two predecessors did things for the Empire and by the book, and look where that got them. I, on the other hand, will actually make money in a way that this ship was designed to: by shooting the hell out of someone and then taking all thier money.

When the aforementioned senior crew members were told of this radical new direction the dynasty would be taking, they were not necessarily behind me 100%. But, like a true captain, I found a perfect compromise: I merely stranded them on an uninhabited planet before replacing them with my own new crew instead of simply jettisoning them into space.

To promote unity and battle cohesion, the new senior crew members and I tried a training exercise today. What’s-her-name with the spider arms had to do some medical paperwork or say her fourty “Ave Imperiums” or drink blood or something, so she couldn’t make it, but the rest of us were there.

With the exception of Zaogao standing around screaming like a little girl and getting his abdomen pretend-cut open, it went excellently.

I predict nothing but overwhelming success and more treasure than it is physically possible to have in our future.

Kenn Rinn
New Captain of the now Phallus Maximus

Note to self: Save the contact information for that mercenary that helped out. Could use someone that can actually hit things with the bullets he fires.

First Session
Character Creation and Ship Creation

Hello Prospective Explorers,

Our tentative first meeting is scheduled for August 27.

One of big differences between this game and our last campaign is that Rogue Trader all but requires group character creation. Not only will we making our individual characters the first session, but we will also be creating our ship (which for all intents and purposes, is basically another PC that everybody gets to control).

I’ll be distributing the tools (and pdfs…) to make this process as painless as possible, and I’ll keep everyone (read: the two people who’ll actually read this) posted.

“Gosh darn it, building a character by hand sounds haaard!”

Calm down. We’ll likely be using an Excel character sheet that will streamline the process. Get it Here.

“Gee willikers, I’ll be lame and unable to make the first session!”

Fear not lamer, because between the Quick Start Rules contain 3 pre-made characters and this PDF contains 2 more.

However, do try to show up if you can.

Things to do before the first session:

That’s it. If you have extra time:

  • Familiarize yourself with Rogue Trader’s core mechanics. There’s an 8 page summary available in the Quick Start Rules.
  • Come up with a proposed name for our ship. The Warhammer 40k loves its Latin, so if you can’t think of anything that sounds cool in English, translate it to Latin and see if it sounds any cooler. Google Translate.


The first few sessions are going to be pretty railroady as I run a series of pre-made adventures to give us some time to get a feel for the system and the setting. Rest assured, I will be giving you guys more freedom as time goes on.


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